***
Take My Vorlon Please
by Michael Emond
 *** Kosh moved to the far side
of his quarters and turned back towards Sinclair.
"They are alone," he dead panned through his
translator. He waited a pause and added, "They are a
dying people. We should let them pass."
Sinclair
unwittingly took the bait and asked, "Who - the Narn
or the Centauri?"
Kosh waited the
preordained time needed for maximum effect and let loose
with the driest "Yes." his translator could
manage. He waited. He looked at Sinclair. Nothing. Not
even a smile. Was this man made of wood?
"Hello? Is
this translator on? I am dying here. This is some of my
best material," Kosh riffed in his native Vorlon.
Unfortunately all that Sinclair heard was the series of
twiddles and bips which Vorlon speech sounded like to the
ears of the Second Ones and Counting. Still, even the odd
noises of Vorlon speech were supposed to be a little
amusing. They were the Vorlon equivalent of a rim shot,
or a laugh track. But nothing. Sinclair didn't even
blink. Kosh tried to make the sound of a plane to
indicate that his last joke had gone right over
Sinclair's head.
"I'm afraid I
don't understand," Sinclair whined.
Kosh was about to
try to explain the joke to him, how the answer
"Yes" to a question that was not a yes or no
query was supposed to be humorous because it frustrated
the person who asked the question, when it occurred to
Kosh to slip in another joke. "Good," he
retorted, and let loose with a full laugh track (which
sounded like Dolphins mating to the human ear).
Again nothing.
This man wasn't only made of wood he was as thick as it.
As Sinclair stared at him with blank incomprehension Kosh
sighed and turned away. How was this man supposed to lead
the Minbari into a new age if he didn't even have the
most basic sense of humour?
Kosh turned away
in disgust. Sinclair took the hint and left. As the door
shut behind the Commander, Kosh sighed in frustration.
Perhaps, he reflected, the time had come for the last of
the First Ones to move on. For the Vorlons and the
Shadows to join up with the other first ones on the Rim
where the comedy clubs were as numerous as the stars and
leave this part of the galaxy to the Second Ones and
Counting. But no. It was the Vorlons' duty to pass their
style of comedy on to the younger races. They obviously
needed to be taught, as it was clear they had no sense of
humour of their own.
Kosh slipped out
of his encounter suit and allowed himself to take on his
true form. A being of gas and light that looked exactly
like a clown. It was a form that had been implanted in
the collective unconscious of all the younger races so
that seeing it would automatically elicit a feeling of
happiness and evoke laughter. He looked at his encounter
suit which was made from curtains he had found. How could
Sinclair not laugh at that? He had even gone to the
trouble of installing some taps along the collar of the
suit in case the joke was too subtle. But still these
sub-races missed the joke and treated him with all of the
reverence and solemness he didn't deserve nor desire.
What did he have to do? Put a lampshade on his head? Well
he had! How oblivious could these creatures be?
Kosh took a deep
intake of air and calmed himself. He must not let on to
them that he was failing his assigned task. He had hoped
Babylon 5 would give the Vorlons their long awaited
opportunity to mingle with races other than the Minbari,
and see if any of them had developed humour to the level
needed. The level where the First Ones could feel
confident they could pass the torch to the younger race
and the fire of humour would still burn bright. After
centuries of contact with the Minbari and trying to get a
laugh out of the boneheads, and failing miserably, the
time had come to try other races.
The Minbari. Kosh
sighed again. Surely there was not a more humourless race
in the entire Galaxy. To the Minbari the Vorlons were
dark and mysterious. Forever saying unintelligible
things. The Vorlons had given up on them 200 hundred
years ago when a Vorlon, in a last ditch attempt to
provoke a giggle from them, had told their leader a knock
knock joke and, due to his lack of comprehension, it had
nearly resulted in a civil war. The Vorlons had many
jokes to tell about the Minbari. "How many Minbari
does it take to screw in a light bulb?" "Only
one but by the time he has completed the hundred and
eight rituals needed to give thanks for the renewed light
it has burned out again." Or "Why did the
Minbari cross the road? To ask the chicken why it had
crossed the road." Or Kosh's personal favourite,
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"Valen." "Valen who?"
"Sinclair." He remembered telling that one to
Neroon once. When it was met with a blank stare and a
"I do not understand." Kosh replied with his
one liner about understanding being a three edged sword.
He knew it would lead to more confused looks but Kosh
never gave up the hope that one day, one Minbari would
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speed 1000
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power200w 
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intelligent no more hyper space drive
